(Self) love in the time of Corona
Originally posted on TinyLetter on 31st March 2021
It has been a while. Locky3 has been difficult. In January my mental health was down the toilet. February just sort of melted away before me, and March hasn't really felt like the best climate to be writing about fucking. For me anyway.
Everyone was prepared for Lockdown 3, everyone knew it was going to happen. The people having massive family Christmas’s, the entire Tory Cabinet, my rational brain, basically everyone knew, except my fanny and the emotional side of my brain. So when it was announced, I was extremely shocked pikachu gif. I was not going to see Mr Northern for an unknown amount of time, and therefore be starved of sex, and I did not take to the news well.
As soon as lockdown started, things went off the boil very quickly with Mr Northern.There was a lack of messages from him, and when they did arrive, they were lacking in effort, and in all honesty I found myself becoming a beg. Being a beg is unbecoming and a mega red flag. It takes, in my opinion, a few minutes to check in every few days let alone once a week. I also realised that the only time I ever held his attention was when we were discussing him or his projects. When I asked him about this he said he was "going through a "selfish phase" and that is when I decided to end it. Also, it was actually a relief that I didn't have to hear someone cum in the third person anymore. "Daddy feels tingly" really was the ultimate ick and probably would have made me end things if I had to hear it again. Because I would have vomited on the spot.
Although I don't usually keep all my eggs in one basket when it comes to dating, I knew that without having anything properly established, that getting an actual shag during this hellish prison of lockdown would be impossible. The thought of going on The Apps was so mortifying and depressing to me I deleted them off my phone. Once again swiping my fat fingers through dull men with no personality and women who all look like various versions of me throughout my 20s, to find someone who might spark some joy, rehashing all my great witty chat and snippets of my life that I choose to share with these people over and over, might actually kill my soul once and for all.
Without anyone to sext or give me any attention, this really meant that I only had one option to keep me going, and that was some self-loving, baby. Elaborate wanking. Premeditated masturbation, the kind where you make an afternoon of it. This kind of wanking is entirely different to grabbing a quick one where you find yourself under the duvet fully clothed at 3:30pm on a work day because something got you so worked up you had to urgently cum, then felt a bit guilty and weird after. No, this is a glorious marathon of orgasms with multiple toys and edging and the inspiration of your choice, that everyone should make time for, in times of pandemic or otherwise.
Pillows are a must, to stop cramp, to get comfy, and to wedge your legs into the perfect position to fuck yourself for a few hours. This is hedonism,make no mistake here, and being comfortable (unless you are into/having a masochistic pain wank) is very important. Getting all the toys and lube you plan on using ready (washed!) and within reach beforehand is also important. Trust me, there is nothing worse than having to stop midway and tip up your sex toy draw to find the butt plug or dildo you want mid way through and then seeing it’s got loads of dust on it.
I don't watch porn. I really don't. I have an incredible imagination. But if pressed, I prefer either reading something specific to my kinks and fetishes or if I am having real trouble I might look at some photo sets of the aforementioned specific kinks. Over the past couple of years I have got massively into cum shots, which is why sexting and building up tension with someone has been fun, especially in a D/s scenario, but most of the time I just imagine.
I always start slowly building myself up, by fucking myself with my G Spot Vibrator which apparently you can use with an app with a partner who can control it through WiFi. I have actually yet to use it with someone else, only through being lazy. But maybe I can change that by the next Dick Appointment. It fills me up, feeling tight and full and I can never actually stop myself from speeding up. I fuck my own hand back, in rhythm with myself. I don't make noise when I am alone, unless I am fucking myself with this, I'm able to go deeper and longer, almost? It makes me desperate to be fucked by someone, to feel the weight of someone on top of me, or to pin me down and spread my legs and brutally fuck me with this weird purple shaped silicon dick until I beg them for a break, even for 10 seconds and they refuse. At this point, stop and move on to my clit.
The time my sister cleaned my room when I was in hospital
My absolute go to, save in a fire, favourite possession is my wand. I had an original Hitachi for years until it sparked out and died. I replaced it the same day with the Doxy Extra Powerful as I genuinely could not live without one. However over the years I have noticed that I have become somewhat dependant on its, let's say, incredibly powerful ways and at the same time sometimes it just numbs my clit out.
I really hate being gone down on, it is not for me. I also don't generally cum from PiV, therefore I enjoy being fingered a great deal. There is a fine balance for me on becoming reliant and conditioned to cumming from the wand only and being able to cum with someone else. During lockdown I decided to work on this problem and came up with a solution.
I had used wand accessories before but found them to be clunky and weird. Then I remembered I had read on the incredible Girl On the Net’s blog (another Doxy evangelist) about all the different ways you can wank with all the different Doxys, but I recalled her mentioning using a towel as a barrier. To which I was then reminded of the great Samantha Jones in SATC returning her magic wand and dispensing advice to women which vibrators worked and which ones would burn off your clit even with ski pants as a barrier. *Extremely Carrie Bradshaw Voice* Had everyone been using a clit barrier except from me?
I started off using a flannel but that was too thick. So I used a soft piece of jersey material I have cut up from an old t-shirt I use to keep my hair up when I am doing face masks. (I also used some satin in between these two but it gave me rampant thrush so I would not ever advise that). This was so perfect. It let me feel the intensity of the build up without it being unbearable. I usually begin on the second from lowest setting, pressing it as gently as possible on the side of my clit, almost not touching, but with the barrier there I can place it right over my entire clit giving me an entirely new sensation. I can feel the build up a lot faster, getting to that feeling of white hot can't take it anymore pleasure before I cum, but I stop, for a few seconds and let myself come back down. The entire afternoon is mine and I plan to edge myself to death. Edging and forced orgasms has to be my favourite thing to do with a partner, and I haven't done it with someone in so long. So I think about my secret crush. Straddled on top of me, forcing my legs apart, holding my wand on me, and ignoring my pleas for breaks as everything intensifies.
At this point I might decide to put a buttplug in. Depending on my mood. If it is a big all out session then why not. If you are interested in getting into anal, then I highly recommend with experimenting with yourself first. Always use plenty of lube and start off small. I am obsessed with glass buttplugs currently, and I think they are best to work with alone too. Etsy seems to have the absolute best choice of buttplugs, who knew?
I keep edging until the point every time I hold the wand to my clit I start to cum, then finish. I can squirt with the wand, if I want to. Or rather if I don't want to clear up the mess I can stop myself, but it doesn't feel as good. But a pre planned wank means I have made preparations for this. So I cum, and feel every muscle relax and un-tense itself as I feel myself squirt out in pulses.
Once my best friend told me, "Sometimes it is only worth wanking the first time, for the second orgsam." If you are lucky enough to be able to multiple orgasm you understand exactly what she means. I stop for a few seconds and I am completely relaxed. There is no tension between me and the wand, and as soon as it touches my clit I cum instantly, more intensely than before. I always cum in that cliched 'whole body' way, but fuck, that second one hits different. I squirt harder and I am out of breath even though the entire experience is shorter than before.
Now here is where I like to push myself depending on my mood. Sometimes I like to see if I can cum again without taking the wand off, or see what happens if I turn the speed up (cum quicker but less intense) or down (cum slower but longer and more intense) and generally how many times I orgasm before they are just tiny little pangs of pleasure and I need my inhaler. Then I can vape in my bed and look at my phone before falling asleep with the entire bed to myself without having to entertain some semi stranger.
As much as I love luxury wanking, it can only suffice for so long before every single thing you see on TV turns you on and you flirt with the weird ice cream van man whilst getting a 99, hoping he might decide to fuck you in his weird off brand Disney painted van. Fortunately (if you can believe it) I met someone, not on an app. So that's next week's letter sorted.