Reply Guy

Originally posted on TinyLetter on 24th June 2021

I do not wish to be perceived as desperate, but after a catalogue of bad experiences both on and off The Apps, I really didn’t know what else to do but to debase myself on Twitter dot com.

Asking for a date at the very least on the hell site might be able to at least bring some more like minded people together as opposed to random swipes and hours wasted talking to seemingly normal men. Like Men you've been talking to, who use curtains instead of bedroom doors in his houseshare, making it very clear I had to try something else.

So I posted my advert and waited for the DMs to flood in.

The first person up was a Guardian-reading, smug liberal dude™️ who was possibly the most polar opposite to me and made my fanny shrivel up, and even when challenged he just did not give up. So I was left with no option but to tell him I hated everything about his hobbies and wished him good luck.

Next up was an American. This was easily solved by me replying in all caps WHAT FUCKING USE ARE YOU TO ME YOU ARE IN AMERICA. Next.

Honestly the DM flood was more of a trickle. I don't know if it is because they would be worried they would end up in a Dick Appointment (which...fair), or if I am too intimidating. But I can always rely on one of my reply guys. Some days he will reply to every single one of my tweets, asking me for selfies, how much I like tomatoes, or darts and other unhinged questions that I simply ignore. On this day he simply asked me to cook him dinner. But I never reply to that reply guy.

There were a few more that were so eternally boring I cannot bring myself to even describe the interactions. Then they dried up. So I resigned myself to going back to The Apps and the few people who message me once a fortnight out of obligation: knowing that we will never ever hook up due to a mixture of too much time having passed and sheer laziness.

Next day I got a DM from a guy I had seen reply to a few of my tweets in the past few weeks who actually had made me laugh and not cringe. The right kind of reply guy. It was a solid message, the kind when you know someone has good chat. I am not even ashamed to say I didn't even leave it an appropriate amount of time to reply back, a thirsty three minutes. Then the chat just flowed.

I love it when chatting is easy. When you want to talk about yourself, which as I get older, I find I want to do less. I have poured my heart out to too many people and the more I go on the more it feels like bloodletting. An exhausting experience and a waste of time as it never goes anywhere. Equally when you want to find out everything about a person too, and it isn't dull or boring, and it makes you feel good when you have weird shared life experiences and everything just.... flows? An hour in and it had already got deep and funny, and we established that he would absolutely fuck me up in the bedroom.

The worst part of being single in the Online Dating age is communication. A large part of my life is devoted to decoding messages and lack of messages from people I am seeing. Why haven't they replied for 5 hours, if that means they hate me, if something was a joke, if a nude was good enough. By saying they like me, did that actually mean they like me? Plus thousands of other neurotic thoughts that I don't wish to reveal. But mainly just that low level anxious feeling of waiting for a text from your crush and just.... wondering.

In the past month not once had that happened with Reply Guy. Everything was so easy, fun and also very sexy. Pretty much how the getting-to-know-you part should be, without the angst and stress. Thinking back on this, what I was actually experiencing was being treated with respect. The bar is so low I couldn't identify a very basic thing like that.

Maybe because everything had been going so well was the reason I was so nervous waiting for him to turn up. That is, at the converted church I’d rented on Airbnb. I needed a break from home, to be alone, and to write like a pretentious dickhead, but actually all I had been doing was ordering cold coffees and watching Mare of Easttown, and avoiding the spiral staircase of death that led upstairs that I had slipped on about 10 times. So I was on unfamiliar territory when he arrived.

I felt stupid having felt so nervous as we sat down and just didn't stop talking and talking. I was watching and listening to him talk. I had already seen that was taller than me when he came in. But he was so hench, like he could fucking crush me if he wanted, and he had my absolutely favourite thing, a big nose. I have no idea why this is a running theme with me but I just fucking love it. I lay back on him as we chose something to eat, his hands holding my phone scrolling through UberEats, resting on my tits, in a comfortable familiar way. We demolished some wings and calamari and some mediocre mac and cheese like it was a 10th date. I mean that in the best way. I eat like a toddler getting food in my eyebrows and down my clothes so I usually have to try really hard to not make a dick of myself. But I just went at it with abandon. Being completely myself.

Having been up and at work since something disgusting like 4am, Reply Guy said he was going for a shower. I went up the death stairs to show him where it was and how the stupid controls worked, then collapsed on the bed because I am fat and out of shape and it is a heatwave. He asked me if I was watching him shower, and like the creepy perv I am I told him yes, but mainly it was out of sheer laziness that I could not be bothered to move. I actually started to fall asleep, the whole day had turned out to be incredibly relaxed and good. Then I felt him start kissing my neck, and pulling me round, and started kissing me. Have you ever kissed someone and you can't get enough? You don't pull away, you push forward? Desperate because it is so good and you physically can not get enough of them. Yeah, that.

He lifted up my dress and reached for my G spot instantly, I was so fucking wet from the kissing and the intensity of him just hitting it like that I was so dizzy I felt like I couldn't catch my breath or my thoughts all I could do was let out these moans and cries. He then quickly then lifted my legs up and started fucking me. It was so good, a confident fuck. He put all his weight on my chest which I fucking love, then his forearm across my throat to choke me. I didn't have to ask or suggest, it was like he was reading my mind. Just at that moment where I am struggling to suck air in and I am thinking about tapping out he took his arm off. Grabbing my tits so hard they still have bruises a week later, but kissing them with just the right amount of pressure. I cannot stand it when an overenthusiastic man starts biting away at my nipples, it is never a nice feeling for me, I much prefer pinching or pulling or sucking.

I think I have probably said a lot of times about how much I love it when someone finishes and I have made that happen. I especially love it when a massive dude who can crush me with his massive hands is just banging away on me, pulls me in really hard and then goes really deep and fast for the end and you just know you did a good job.

My Dick Appointments are the best and the worst of sexual encounters. But I knew Reply Guy was a truly decent person when he gently asked me if I knew about the fact I had the post coil insertion period spotting blood all over the very crisp white Airbnb sheets. I wasn't aware. If you can't be ok with a medium sized bit of period blood then you are probably a dickhead. He was ok with it. I wasn't embarrassed either. So we laughed and just cracked on.

I loved how he would just guide my hand towards his dick when we were talking or chilling and it would be so hard. Like absolutely cliched rock-hard. The Airbnb we were in was gorgeous but also unreasonably uncomfortable. The sofa was some sort of hard torture device, so as I was contorted into some sort of ball on it, Reply Guy had moved a chair to the side so we weren't crushed to death.

While watching a film, he grabbed my hand and made me feel his dick, stood up and pushed my head towards him. I wanted all of him in my mouth, I wanted to push my stupid massive filler lips around his balls and lick and suck them, I wanted to rim him, I wanted him to use my mouth completely but the fucking sofa was unbearable and somehow purposely stopping us from doing anything at all. I ran (walked very slowly) up the death stairs to choke on his dick.

I love words of encouragement and telling me I am doing a good job, and also being told exactly what to do. So when he told me to spit on it and suck his balls I felt myself slip into subspaceand do as he said. Opening my mouth and licking and putting them in my mouth and feeling the other person tense up with pleasure is such a good feeling. I was working his dick with my other hand too, and I cannot express how much I am obsessed with it to be honest, normally I am a happy little sub doing what I am told but all I could think about what having him inside me.

So the only thing I could muster to do was kind of grab it like a dirty joystick and roll over on my side and put it inside me. I was so unbelievably tight in this position that I actually cried out in pain, good pain of course and let him grab me by the throat.

My absolute favourite thing in this spoon position is when someone grabs my arm and bends it up behind me like it is going to break. Yes, I am a huge masochist and it is fucking painful but combined with how good the fucking feels, and how you absolutely cannot get away HNNG.

I always have to suggest or ask for this but Reply Guy once again just read my mind and did it. Fuck. He then flipped me over, put one leg over my shoulder, pushed all his weight on me again. I always want that feeling of being absolutely buried and crushed and used so hard and that was exactly what was happening. I knew he was going to cum because I felt him pull me even closer and fuck me harder and deeper than I thought possible and faster and I legitimately thought oh no I am going to pass out now. Which I assume is why he asked if I was ok afterwards.

I mentioned that the AirBnB was inexplicably uncomfortable. The bed frame was oddly low to the ground, so that I had to roll off it like a turtle to get off it. It was also a small double which was not ideal for two giant boiling people. Despite all this, as we were falling asleep trying not to over heat each other, he reached for my hand, and by then I knew what that meant. I love it when someone is on my level with how horny I am. My level is...constantly. No matter the situation. Even if that is in a cramped boiling turtle bed.

I put my head in his lap and sucked and licked as best as I could, but then I felt him start working himself into my mouth. This is such a fucking turn on for me, not just because sometimes I am a lazy bitch, but because no one really knows how to make themselves feel as good as they can. If you are secure in yourself that it is not a reflection on your abilities, it’s about doing something together. I stuck my tongue as far out as it would go and started licking and flicking my tongue around the head of his dick. Fast and slow and pushing it back and forth waiting for him to finish all over me. It didn't take long as I carried on licking and smearing all his cum all round my lips and tongue. It was hot as fuck.

The rest of the time was just spent eating and watching films and laughing. Sometimes in very comfortable silence. I worried that I was maybe too boring for him as we literally just fucked and chilled. In fact I got myself so worked up about this I thought I had fumbled it completed. Messaged friends, replayed it over in my head wondering how I could have fucked it up, been more entertaining. Turns out we were worried about the same thing and in fact we are just old and comfortable.

Ultimately I cannot guarantee that fucking your very own reply guy is going to be amazing, but my take away from this is that, I think that what makes Reply Guy refreshingly different is that he really does treat me with respect. It should not be so shocking for someone to factor you into their life enough to just let you know when they are running late, tell you life stuff, say good morning and check up on you when you have had a general anaesthetic.

The bar is low. But whatever happens here I know where my bar needs to be in the future.